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The PAP Guide To Character Assassination

The PAP Guide To Character Assassination

  • Current Affairs
  • GE 2020
Disclaimer 1: This is satire. The original post, un/fortunately, was not.
Disclaimer 2: Rice does not endorse or support any political party in Singapore.

From: corpcomms@pap.org.sg

To: Tan Wu Meng, Big Shan, LHL, Seah Kian Peng 

Cc: Everyone

Subject: Deadline Extended

Dear all,

It has come to my attention that many of you still have not completed the GE2020 e-learning module on Character Assassination. I know that many of you are under a lot of stress because of the Covid-19 project, so I’ve extended the deadline until end-of-June.

For those of you who complained that you cannot download the file, I’ve attached a summary in the email. Please go and read through everything in the handout because you WILL be tested on it for the final assessment.

Do note that this is the FINAL extension. No more excuses. If you do not complete it, you will have to RETAKE the entire course like Ong Ye Kung did in 2011.

Stalk His Friends On Facebook

Many people think that you should engage your opponent critically on policy or social issues. This is unwise. Recent IPS surveys show that Millennials do not care about policy. What they really care about is social-media witch-hunting, and stalking hot people on ‘insta’. (“thirst traps”)

So, the first step is to go through your opponents friends list and find everything that could be construed as vaguely incriminating. If one of them has said something odd, then they are guilty by association. 

Dr. Tan Wu Meng has done a good job <link> but you should dig even deeper. What about Alfian Sa’at’s Myspace and Blogspot? There, he listed ‘Nickelback’ as one of his favourite bands, and despite being against Chinese Privilege, voted for Sylvester over Taufik in Singapore Idol Season 1. He also blogged how McDonald’s was right to remove the Quarter Pounder from its menu because it’s ‘over-rated’.

Are these the words of a ‘loving critic’? I think not.

DIY

Conventional wisdom from Russia, China and America is to farm out political hatchet jobs to dodgy online media so your own hands stay clean. It is not unlike how high-level drug dealers never touch their own heroin.

However, LKY said that we must meet our opponents in the cul-de-sac with hatchet in hand. LKY is never wrong, and we must take his advice, literally. Once you’re done chopping up your political opponent’s body, wipe your fingers on the corpse and use their blood to sign with your full name and NRIC. Remove your trousers and tea-bag them whilst your friend takes a video.

That way, everyone will know who is responsible. They admire you for having the courage to stand up to your own hallucinations.

The Christian Bale Method

“This man grew up in Singapore. Singapore gave him his education and he earns a living here.’

The harshest words come from our parents, whose approval we crave. Hence, to better criticize your opponent, you must become their mother in body and spirit. Do not just berate them. Guilt-trip them. Guilt-trip them as if you gave birth to them. Guilt-trip them as if you pulled that ungrateful bastard from (Singapore’s) vagina after a protracted 7-day struggle.

After all the love and attention you has lavished on them, how dare they answer back! What have I done to deserve such an ungrateful son? 小时侯,我天天带他上学。 天天加工送他去补习中心。现在,长大了,他连电话也不回,真是心疼!想到了,我就热泪盈眶 。。。

Draw a Mindmap

If you’re struggling to come up with ideas, you can try the Adam Khoo Mindmap method. Here’s an example of how it works:

Ask Your Victim To Share The Post For Maximum Engagement

Write Speculative Fiction

We know creativity is probably not one of your best strengths, but if all else fails, some good old-fashioned storytelling has never failed. Unencumbered by the need for at least partial truths, you can finally abandon all pretence at pseudo-logic! The world is your oyster. 

The fan-fiction about Pritam Singh and Alfian as secret gay lovers? Check. The martial arts wuxia featuring Shanmugam’s 6-hour duel with PJ Thum? Check. The speculative fiction piece featuring pro-Malaysia activists? Check, check, check. 

Margaret Atwood’s 7 Tips For Writing Speculative Fiction offers some suggestions. E.g. Tip 2, Strengthen Your Cause-And-Effect Muscles: democracy = protests = violence = bad!! I don’t need to tell you about Tip 3, since we already adopt that in our SOP (3. Determine Your World’s Winners and Losers). 

The best part? Stories—and satire—are not subject to POFMA.

Check Your History Books

If you’re really desperate, you can always plagiarize from history (rephrase: borrow from past traditions). Mudslinging is a veritable tradition and has a special place in our party’s mission. One cannot govern properly without deploying all the tools in the art of governance. Remember: the masses are stupid and not to be trusted. 

Some fail-safe tactics include:
1) call them a communist (see p. 63, Operation Spectrum and the Crazy Catholics)
2) call them a traitor (p. 97, subsection under “Distinguishing Between The Two PJs – Ping Tjin vs. Pan Jie”)

3) call them a latte liberal (p. 152, footnote to Calvin Cheng and his preferred adjectives for dissidents). 

You will occasionally run into some annoying human rights activists, but they don’t do very much apart from write lengthy op-eds. Anyway if they get too annoying you can always fine or jail them. Or just call them a communist, it’s quicker. 

Build A Bot 

To save time and effort, I suggest you build a bot that condenses all seven strategies. Imagine—an AI-powered database that spews predictive suggestions of optimal attacks to use depending on the profile of your intended target. No need to hire an actual army of IB fans—saves time, effort, and money. Now this is what I call innovation. 

I know that asking you to read, digest, and apply all the strategies in the next month or so is asking a lot. But we are the PAP. We are exceptional—and as party members, you are the cream of the crop. We have among us multiple Oxbridge and Ivy League degrees, Rafflesians, and just enough ACSians and Hwachies for diversity. This is why I have faith that you will master the relevant techniques to guarantee our full electoral victory. 

So don’t stress, and remember—practice makes perfect. Note: beginners should start with easy targets, like Kirsten Han and Jolovan Wham. 

Also note that exam results will be graded on a bell curve.

This GE, we’re not just interested in the winners and losers. Join RICE as we satirise, over-analyse, and dissect everything from how we talk about politics and politicians to what we think we know about how Singaporeans vote. 

Have a lead for a GE 2020 related story? Write to us at community@ricemedia.co. 

Author

Poh Yong Han & Pan Jie Staff writers