The Integrated Programme that Singaporean Students Really Need
Top image credit: The Independent

Dear esteemed applicant,

We are delighted to inform you that after careful consideration of your application, we have decided to award you a place in our integrated programme.

Your admission is evidence of the Admissions Committees confidence in your potential, as well as recognition of your unique personal qualities.

Todays world is dynamic, unpredictable and ever-changing. #Adulting will only become even tougher, and at the end of this six-year journey, we are confident that our students will be hardened individuals who can easily overcome the challenges that typically stump the Singaporean millennial.

Do have a look at some of our courses in the booklet enclosed to get a feel of whats to come in your six years with us. We look forward to receiving you for your orientation programme next year.

1.       Splitting the Bill
(Image credit: Twitter)
You went with a group of friends for a zi char dinner, but only a few people ordered a second serving of the har cheong kai and stingray. One person didnt drink the beer. How do you split the bill fairly without dividing friendships?

Learn the smart and fast way in Advanced Arithmetic.

2.       Dealing with assholes
"Seriously Steve, you were supposed to send me those reports three days ago and you've got the guts to play Neopets in the office?" (Photo credit: Alamy)
A big part of #adulting is having to work with incompetent or backstabbing colleagues who will not hesitate to claim credit for your brilliance or throw you under the bus for a promotion.

In Defensive Communication, our oral communication experts will guide you through the various techniques that will help you survive a dog-eat-dog world.

Learn to use snarky phrases rather than outright accusations at the most opportune moments. For example, say, Thanks Steve for putting the slides in the correct order, instead of, This presentation was put together no thanks to Steves absence, when youre at a meeting with board investors.

You will also understand the importance of covert tactics to deal with assholes in relationship circles, taking cues from Sun Tzus Art of War: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

3.       Dating and facing rejection
(Photo credit: Reddit)
Our mentors will guide you through the various stages of a relationship:

i) How to avoid falling into the friendzone and, if you do, how to respond and move on to the next date.

ii) How to start and maintain a relationship? When your partner says “It’s okay,” does he/she really mean it?

iii) How to keep your heart and mind healthy after a break-up without resorting to alcohol.

The curriculum has been recently updated to help students overcome the challenges of online dating: swiping fatigue, inertia to meet a match, and identifying fuckboys, among other new topics.

4.       Doing laundry and ironing
This photo is fake news. Ironing is never enjoyable. (Photo credit: Dreamstime)
Can you mix colours with whites in the laundry? Why is your shirts crease being so stubborn when youve been using the iron at the highest temperature for 10 minutes?

No one has the means to hire a domestic helper when theyre 25. Our instructors will equip you with the skills to tackle one of #adultings biggest challenges so that you will look sharp out the door, and your Zara purchases will not be ruined by washing machine accidents.

5.       Filing taxes

Not even the government teaches you how to fulfil this responsibility expected of every citizen. Right now, apart from your Mum, your only resource is the IRAS website. With our easy-to-remember quick study guides, filing taxes will be just as annoying, but much less painful.

6.       Investments
(Image credit: Randy Glasbergen)
By now you should know that your average salary and your savings account’s pathetic interest rate aren’t going to get you into the top 10%. Working two jobs isnt going to make that Maserati dream a reality either.

But hang on. Your parents warn you that investing in stocks is gambling; your friend John is promising you huge returns with cryptocurrency and investments in crazy ideas like an automated juice machine; MoneySmart says you should just play it safe by leaving it to the bank. Who is right?

In Personal Finance for Dummies, our instructors will help you make sense of all the contradictory information to make the best decision for your future, so that you dont have to crunch numbers and then flip burgers just to afford a 3-room flat.

7.       Parenting
You will spend three decades of your life telling yourself how much your parents suck and how you will never be like them.

And then all of a sudden, you will have a little creature squirming in your hands as you ask yourself, “Why didn’t I use protection?”

There are tons of self-help books available to remedy this, but here at our institution, we believe in practical education. You will observe Tiger mums and laissez faire dads in action for half of the semester, before trying your hands at looking after an infant, toddler, and teenager for the final practical exam.

8.       The best cai fan / nasi padang combination
(Photo credit: Mothership)
Your lunch break in the CBD is precious. So always get bang for your buck when you order from the cai fan or nasi padang stall.

Being served by auntie A or uncle B can make all the difference between a meagre or generous portion of brinjals. Does beef rendang go better with kangkong or long beans? Also knowing whether the steamed egg is considered a meat or a veg by the stall will determine whether you have change for kopi.

This is our most popular class simply because of its timeless relevance to Singaporeans. You may receive the best liberal arts education in an Ivy League school, but you will still lose the rat race at Maxwell Food Centre because you werent prepared for lunch at all.

[This post was not sponsored by any of the following: CPF, Great Eastern, SkillsFuture]

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