8 Headlines You Missed Because Of Covid-19
Top image: Zachary Tang / RICE File Photo

1. Mahathir And Anwar Embroiled In Messy Divorce

Ever since his involuntary retirement from politics, Dr. Mahathir has resumed his previous job as cranky uncle with no filter. He blames the Pakatan Harapan’s downfall on Anwar Ibrahim for being too ‘power-hungry’ and for ‘demanding’ the Deputy Prime Minister role before his time. He also claims that Anwar can never become Prime Minister because he is too liberal and multi-racial for Malaysia.

For his part, Anwar says he ‘no longer has faith’ in the man who once falsely accused him of sodomy and then broke his promises to hand over the PM’s seat. It remains to be seen if the two men will drunk text each other ‘U up?’ after one too many drinks.


2. Honestbee Ceases To Be

After months of cash-flow problems, mounting debt, employee complaints about unpaid salaries, ‘financial irregularities’ on the part of its CEO, mass lay-offs, and the closure of its hubristic Habitat flagship supermarket-cum-food-court, Honestbee is on its last legs. Even if Softbank swoops in with a vital injection of capital, it’s hard to see how the brand can survive.

3. Plesiosaurus Visits Venice, Outraged By Restaurant Prices

With the tourists gone and Italy in lockdown, the polluted canals of Venice have returned to their original pristine state. The water was so clean that a plesiosaur was spotted cruising down the Grand Canal towards St. Marks Square.

The Plesiosaur left shortly after learning that an orange juice costs 10 euros.

4. Mulan Attacked By Horde Of Chinese Netizens

Ah, the 1990s! A simpler time when you could make a movie without offending everyone who ever lived.

Hong Kong and the West wants to #boycott Mulan because the lead actress, Liu Yifei, showed support for the Hong Kong Police. Now, Chinese Netizens want to blacklist Liu Yifei for calling herself ‘Asian’ instead of ‘Chinese’ at the Mulan Premiere. Her publicist probably asked her to say ‘Asian’ to suck up to the Asian-American market, but it’s backfired because the Chinese alt-right aren’t happy. Hua Mulan is a national icon, they fume, how the actress be so unpatriotic! Why should we give our money to imperialist running dogs like Disney? 


5. Russia, USA and Saudi Arabia Ignore Social Distancing, Start Bitchy Slap-Fight Over Oil Prices

Saudi Arabia wants to cut production of oil due to low demand and low prices. Russia says ‘Nyet’. Saudi Arabia gets pissed and decides to flood the market with cheap oil to undermine Russia. Two can play that game, says Moscow, who proceeds to increase its own output by 500,000 barrels per day.

The end result is tumbling oil prices. The price per barrel of Brent Crude has fallen from around USD$46 at the beginning of March to USD$26 today. According to The Straits Times, 70% of the price reduction will be passed on to consumers, albeit with a slight delay. 

The real loser in this price war is likely to be America, which produces most of its oil from shale. Since fracking costs more than conventional oil production, the low price per barrel is likely to send the US energy industry into a deep, dark recession.

6. Turtles All The Way Down

Louis Ng, the second-most-popular PAP MP after Tharman, has passed a bill to safeguard Singapore’s wildlife. Releasing an animal into your local reservoir/park will now result in a $5000 fine for first-time offenders, while trapping non-protected wildlife could land you a lengthy staycation in Changi. Although some members of the public have argued that feeding ‘wildlife’ helps to cultivate a love for nature, Mr Ng is having none of it. Feeding might seem like a harmless act, but it inadvertently causes more harm to the animal.

NParks is also now empowered to punish developers who commit wildlife-related offences. Otters, however, will continue to go unpunished for their continued hooliganism. 


7. Mosquitos Having The Time Of Their Life

Remember Dengue Fever? You know, that other disease? The one you get when mosquitoes bite you?

No? Me neither. That’s why more than 4000 cases of Dengue have been reported since January this year. This is more than twice the number of cases reported in the same period last year. More worryingly, many of the cases are a new strain of Dengue—DENV-3—which has not been seen in Singapore for a while. We have lower immunity to this strain and the number of cases are likely to rise as the weather grows warmer.

8. Uranus Leaking Gas According To NASA probe

In the grand scheme of things, we are all tiny and insignificant.
Voyager 2 was a NASA probe launched in 1977 to study Jupiter, Saturn and other planets in the further reaches of our solar system.

It’s been a while, but a recent review of Voyager 2’s data reveals that Uranus has been expelling gas—into space. Voyager 2 flew through a ‘blob’ of the gas in 1986 but didn’t realise it at the time. According to scientists, studying this phenomenon of ‘atmospheric escape’ could shed light on how Mars was changed from a damp environment into a barren wasteland.

Uranus, of course, denies the accusation and claims it was Neptune.

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