How to Reuse the Most Absurd Quotes of 2017
All images from the Straits Times.

1. “We want to let you know that we are far from finished in Singapore.” — llaollao

Original context: A shady Facebook statement from frozen yogurt brand llaollao about their departure from Singapore. Something about having nothing to do with new frozen yogurt brand, Yole, is also mentioned.

How to use it: Your mother questions your ability to find a new job after getting retrenched by a well-known media company. Your girlfriend breaks up with you after she catches you checking her phone for the 56th time.

But you are a fighter, so you reply, “I want you to let you know that I am far from finished. In Singapore.”

2. “We can do more good together.” — Halimah Yacob

Original context: Halimah Yacob decides to run for President. She hopes to get the support of Singaporeans who think the reserved elections are a farce. She is extremely idealistic.

How to use it: When your ex-girlfriend gets a restraining order against you. You have shown up at her void deck at 3am to propose to her. In a hysterical fit, you say, “We can do more good together!” You tell the police officer that you were only trying to be romantic. You are extremely idealistic.

3. “The struggle in [the influencer] industry is real.” — Influencer from Faves Asia

Original context: Influencers leave their bubble to respond to online criticism on a video promoting social influencer agency, Faves Asia. They insist the video is not an accurate representation of their industry. They are right—the tone deaf response is.

How to use it: When your mother asks why you haven’t landed a job after going for 20 interviews. When your ex-girlfriend asks why you haven’t landed a job after going for 20 interviews. She asks if you remembered to smile.

You shrug and reply, “The struggle is real.”

4. “The feeling of ‘shamelessness’ on relying on others for money is much more worth [than] making half your life or more of your life miserable, at least for me.” — Amos Yee

Original context: Cash-strapped millennial, who successfully sought asylum in the US, resorts to ‘begging’ for money on Facebook. The alternative is to look for a job. It is unthinkable.

How to use it: When you haven’t landed a job after going for 21 interviews. You decide you might resort to asking people for money so you can ‘pursue your passion’.

5. “[The media] think [signalling works] are so easy… Like holding a pen and writing a few articles.” — Khaw Boon Wan

Original context: Minister Khaw tries to crack a joke at a media conference. “We can ask the reporter to run the train system,” he adds. Many people in the room laugh. They are not reporters.

How to use it: When you finally land a job. It is not your passion; it is with SMRT’s Corporate Communications division. The mainstream media spreads fake news about the train breakdowns. You take a leaf out of your boss’s book and echo what he has said, while losing your mind approximately 43 times a day. You hate yourself.

6. “This is not Korean drama show.” — Low Thia Khiang

Original context: In a parliament session to discuss the Oxley Road saga, Low Thia Khiang says that the Lee family’s public arguments reflect badly on Singapore. Most Singaporeans agree. Most Singaporeans also don’t want the saga to end.

How to use it: When your parents wonder if you haven’t gotten over your ex-girlfriend. You laugh a little too loudly. Your colleague starts wondering if he should introduce you to his mom’s neighbour’s friend’s niece, Sharon. You fend him off by saying, “This is not Korean drama show.”

Nevertheless, he persists.

7. “I felt cheated. The sponsorships cheapened the wedding, made it insincere, and I felt as though she had made money off me through her wedding.” — Melissa C Koh’s wedding guest

Original context: ‘Friend’ of influencer Melissa C Koh gives a quote to Straits Times after attending Melissa’s wedding. Said friend feels entitled to share her opinion on a wedding that isn’t hers.

How to use it: When you’re invited to your ex-girlfriend’s wedding. Her husband is wonderful, the decorations and door gifts are lovely, and the banquet hall’s napkins match your pillow case that you cry into when you get home.

When your friends ask how her wedding is, you say this. No one needs to know that you accepted her invitation without a second thought.

8. “You need a very small space to have sex.” — Josephine Teo

Original context: Our national love guru responds to singles who ask for a house before they can start to solve Singapore’s low birth rate.

How to use it: When you tell yourself your lack of a girlfriend doesn’t have anything to do with your lack of a house. Your mother is no longer thankful her son still lives with her at 30. You think your small bedroom has a certain charm. It is quaint and “you need a very small space to have sex”, you inform Sharon, whom you’re now seeing.

9. “But I suppose that is life.” — Khaw Boon Wan

Original context: Minister Khaw attempts to explain the spate of bad luck that plagues SMRT. It is a mix of bad weather, bad maintenance, and bad company culture. It is fate.

How to use it: When you decide to express your love for Sharon and find out she is not ready for a relationship. Something about not having a home for baby making. Something else about your job. But you are no longer a fighter, so you reply, “I suppose that is life.”

You wonder if you are in a Korean drama show.

10. Anything on the Straits Times Comments Section Facebook page

Original context: There is none. Every noteworthy ST comment is seemingly written by someone who has given up on life.

How to use it: When you have given up on life.

Image credit: Where else?
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