A Royal Wedding Will Solve All Of Singapore’s Problems
After watching the royal wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle this weekend, I am now fully convinced that Singapore needs its own monarchy.

Not a real monarchy that chops off heads like the Lannisters on Game Of Thrones, but a television monarchy that can supply us with endless royal weddings. Our nation has many problems, but there is nothing that cannot be solved by a royal wedding.

1.  Fertility

Say what you will about the British monarchy as a political institution—you can’t deny that they are prolific breeders. In fact, their primary purpose in life is to fuck, give birth, and fuck some more to produce a conveyor belt of mini dukes and duchesses for posterity.

Hence, they are the perfect role models for young Singaporeans who refuse to mate.

Dear Josephine Teo, just imagine the miraculous birth rates that can be achieved if we put a smiling royal family on ST’s front page everyday. Small spaces and BTOs won’t matter anymore once our hearts melt from watching a real-life Prince cook Hai Di Lao for his beloved but fearsome Mother-in-law.

2. Foreign Relations

Malaysia has one and we can’t afford to lose.

3. Economy 

On Saturday, I watched a panel of 2 gay men and 4 middle-aged women analyse every inch of Megan Markle’s Givenchy dress. After a 15-minute shower and a cold beer, I returned to find that they had moved on to more serious subject: whether Diana would have approved of Megan’s veil if she were alive.

Blessed are the journalists who work in monarchies. Media coverage of the royal wedding must have fed an entire battalion of videographers and sound technicians. And as for the writers, I envy their license to write full novels on who wore the best hat, without having to explain the subject’s relevance.

He’s a prince. What is there to explain?

I suggest that we launch our own monarchy as a means of economic stimulus. Just imagine the number of bakers, photographers, reporters, PR managers, security personnel and florists who will now find employment as a result.

4. More Economy

Of course, the House of Windsor does not merely keep butlers and bored staff writers employed. They are also a tourist destination that brings in an estimated US$767 million every year.

To put that in perspective, Singapore Zoo made about S$150 million in 2016. Royals clearly offer a better return on investment than Pandas.

It is often said that Singapore has no natural resources except its people. Are royal families not ‘people’? Casino revenues have flatlined. The next logical step is to create and market a Instagram-friendly royal family so that tourists can buy something other than the Merlion when they exit through the gift shop.

5. Influencers

After the royal couple settles down and pops out 2.5 kids, they will become the perfect influencers to champion every government campaign ever conceived.

Whether it’s Smart Nation or Eat Less Sugar, who better to lead the way than a virtuous, photogenic royal family?

Civil servants can breathe a sigh a relief. No longer will they need to rely on the services of conventionally-beautiful but grammatically-rabak Chinese girls on Instagram. Our royals will do it for free because it’s their duty to protect Singaporeans from the dangers of white rice.

6. Politics

Right now, the presidency is the closest thing we have to a monarch and it’s boring. Her role is too marginal to be taken seriously, and too serious to have any real entertainment value.

We need more than pictures of Istana swans and ribbon-cuttings to distract us from the GST.

In the same way that Roman emperors understood the importance of entertainment, providing circuses along with bread, the people at least deserve fairy tale weddings and topless singing princesses as recompense for political apathy.

7. Racial Harmony, Social Inequality and So On

Since we are cooking up a royal family from scratch, we can make it the most woke royal house the world has ever witnessed.

We can have a mixed-race lowly commoner marrying a mixed-race princess under the auspices of an openly-bisexual sultan who still lives in his 5-room HDB flat in Sengkang.

No one shall question Singapore’s cohesion and diversity once their holy matrimony is consecrated by a bishop who once failed his PSLE but managed to become SMRT CEO regardless.

Once they kiss, we can declare Mission Accomplished. Any questions about inequality or racial harmony will be answered by pointing at their cheerful, racially-indeterminate portraits on the wall.

The only problem is that we don’t have a sultan anymore. And this is not an absence that can be filled with foreign talent.

But fear not, if watching royal wedding coverage has taught me anything, it is that true nobility is an exercise in PR and fashion snobbery. If we just raise our GST by another 2%, we will have the marketing budget needed to create Singapore’s House of Majulah.

I nominate Kumar as our first and rightful Regent. Hashtag #kneel to crown her.

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