At 94, when most others his age have either kicked the bucket or are sauntering towards it, Mahathir’s triumphant resurgence is a testament to a particularly fiery brand of iron-fisted rule. It’s something we only see from the likes of Lee Kuan Yew and elder statesmen of their generation.
One could even say he’s what would have happened, had Lee Kuan Yew gotten mad at the PAP for screwing up (touch wood) and joined the WP for a terrific upset.
Move aside Emperor Qin, Mahathir might have the real secrets to immortality:
1. Like almost every (elderly) person experiencing professional decline, he wants to remain relevant.
2. Who else will watch Malaysia’s next political gay sex video?
3. Who else will wait for Malaysia’s next political gay sex video?
4. As Malaysia’s top retiree, the wealth behind his health is golfing, governing, and Goop.
5. He secretly draws power from the Dark Dimension of Dormammu as Malaysia’s Prime Minister Supreme.
6. Or he’s the omega-level mutant whose superpower is to simply antagonise Singapore.
7. The magical prowess of Malaysian bomohs and coconuts have placed a potent gong tao on him till the end of time.
8. Mahathir is a Cancer, Malaysia is a Virgo. Their love and loyalty for each other sustain his life-force.
9. Mahathir is secretly a jellyfish alien.
10. He has no concept of work-life balance; his work is never-ending, so neither is his life.
12. He’s afraid of seeing Lee Kuan Yew in heaven.
13. He’s afraid of seeing Lee Kuan Yew in hell.
14. He’s afraid of seeing Lee Kuan Yew in the Soggy Meatball Heart of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
15. Tough times don’t last, but tough men do.
16. Malaysia has its own secret Newater Facility that recycles youth instead of urine.
17. Someone needs to ensure that there’s always a three-hour queue at the JB Customs checkpoint.
18. Mahathir skinny dips in the magical waters of the Johore Straits every Hari Merdeka.
19. The HSR Express service needs Mahathir to officiate its tentative opening in 2031.
20. The eternal burden of championing democracy lies on his 94-year-old shoulders.
21. Only Mahathir can find out where the money in 1MDB went.
22. Najib’s get-out-of-jail house party needs a guest.
23. Anwar’s get-out-of-jail house party needs a guest.
24. He hasn’t given us closure for his yes-no-yes relationship with Anwar.
26. Ipoh hor fun is better than Singaporean hor fun.
27. Malaysian nasi lemak is better than Singaporean nasi lemak.
28. Malaysian otak is better than Singaporean otak.
29. Malaysian Ramly burger is better than Singaporean Ramly burger.
30. Malaysian roti john is better than Singaporean roti john.
31. Malaysian roti tissue is better than Singaporean roti tissue.
32. Malaysian char kway teow is better than Singaporean char kway teow.
33. Malaysian hokkien mee is better than Singaporean hokkien mee.
34. Malaysian lor mee is better than Singaporean lor mee.
35. Malaysian mee rebus is better than Singaporean mee rebus.
36. Malaysian mee siam is better than Singaporean mee siam.
37. Okay lah, you get it, Malaysian food is better than Singaporean food.
39. There are no tombs small enough for his humility.
40. 1Malaysia needs 1Mahathir.
41. Malaysia Boleh; Mahathir Boleh.
42. It’s not a Malaysian Malaysia, it’s a Mahathir Malaysia.
43. Mahathir wants to outlive the Sultan of Johor.
44. Mahathir wants to outlive the entire Sultanate.
45. Mahathir wants to outlive Chan Chun Sing.
46. Mahathir wants to outlive Lee Bee Wah.
47. Mahathir wants to outlive Desmond Lim.
48. Mahathir wants to outlive Heng Swee Kiat.
49. Mahathir wants to outlive Khaw Boon Wan.
50. Mahathir wants to outlive Josephine Teo.
51. Mahathir wants to outlive Low Thia Khiang.
52. Mahathir wants to outlive Sylvia Lim.
53. Mahathir wants to outlive Teo Chee Hean.
54. Mahathir wants to outlive Sim Ann.
55. Mahathir wants to outlive Grace Fu.
56. Mahathir wants to outlive K. Shanmugam.
57. Mahathir wants to outlive PM Lee and the entire Singapore Parliament.
58. In fact, he probably wanted to outlive Lee Kuan Yew. (This one success tho.)
60. He hasn’t found a snake to put his last Horcrux in yet.
61. Maybe he’ll find a Malayan Tiger.
62. With the Sales and Services Tax (SST), it might be too expensive to die in Malaysia anyway.
63. Perhaps out of pure skill, he found seven dragon balls.
64. He found a genie lamp.
65. He found the Book of the Dead.
66. He’s Malaysia’s Brendan Fraser.
68. At 94, he’s the big man dreaming about Malaysia swallowing Singapore.
69. Entry 67 and 68 are both wet dreams of Mahathir, and if you can still do that at 94, you have a long life ahead of you.
70. His lifeline is blessed by virtue of being one of seven sons.
71. He’s still writing his memoir.
72. It’ll be called Mahathir: Half-Truths to Keep Malaysia Going.
73. Or maybe From Third World to Somewhere Next to Singapore.
74. He won’t go down without a fight—and without Lee Kuan Yew, there’s simply no one left to fight.
75. The mighty fall, but Mahathir is more than mighty.
76. There’s a secret clone facility out there churning out his clones.
77. Look closely, his son may look just a little too much like him.
78. Read even more closely, his clone may be writing this list.
79. Malaysia needs someone to cry foul over Pedra Branca.
80. Malaysia needs someone to cry foul over water sales.
81. Malaysia needs someone to cry foul over anything at all.
84. What is dead may never die. Surely at 94, one must come to terms with one’s career already being six feet under.