Recently, it has come to my attention that a piece of misinformation—or what the youth might call ‘fake news’—has appeared on the website Facebook. It details an erroneous method of maximizing your order of ‘Economic Mixed Rice’—also known to the natives of Southeast Asia as ‘Cai Fan’ or ‘Cai Png’.
2. When ordering, point at the dish as many times or as long as you can. Assert dominance with unblinking, unrelenting eye contact, until the stall assistant backs away meekly and gives you more.
3. When ordering vegetables, imitate the example of the Rwandan Silverback Mountain Gorilla. When you point at the eggplant, flare your nostrils and bare your teeth. This will remind the Cai Png uncle who is the alpha in this relationship.
4. For males, wear your OCS tank top to display prominently your muscles, hair and scars. Puff out your chest. Do not shower. Cai Png aunties—if they are in heat—will naturally succumb to your pheromones.
5. Grunt in approval when they give you the correct dish. Beat your chest if they reach for the wrong item.
6. Always order Cai Png in a pack. A solitary Cai Png Pro is rarely a threat. Hunting in a pack will improve your chances of getting more liao.
7. When paying, rub your groin against the counter. Show them who is boss by marking the Cai Png stall with your scent.
8. Do not use utensils. Consume your meat by gripping it with your teeth and then shaking your head back-and-forth. You are an apex predator. This is how apex predators eat Cai Png.
9. When the stall finally goes bankrupt, take over the location and hire back the staff. Mount and impregnate the female of the species to produce offspring. Be wary of young males who might challenge your dominance. Maul them before they become too strong or virile. Lead your pack to profitability and reward good employees with a choice cut from your kills.
10. Discover fire.
Prof. Angus F. Lowe-Whittingstall