Brutally Honest Chinese Zodiac Predictions for the Year of the Dog
Top image credit: The Odyssey Online
Every Chinese person knows this to be true: the Chinese zodiac is as believable as the rumour about your secondary school teacher told to you by your grandmother’s neighbour, i.e. it’s completely legit.

If you’re reading this, you must be hungry for some sense of what 2018 will look like, or what you should do to maximise your potential.

Allow these words of wisdom to guide your decisions.

A Dog and Ox relationship is a match made in heaven. Your couple name is Bulldog. (Image: Google Play)

A person born in the Year of the Rat is quick-witted and resourceful. They know how to get out of tricky situations, such as getting caught texting their exes by their partner.

Relationships: Being easily adaptable, you will get along well with everyone you meet this year. Or you could just be pretending to be nice.

Work: Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it works for you. Your tendency to have your finger in every pie may result in new skills, responsibilities, and office politics.

Money: With your innate charm and resourcefulness, you can make a little extra cash by moonlighting as a love scammer on dating apps. An extra billion dollars, to be exact.

Health: You are generally a healthy individual because you are active and full of energy. No one cares for your #fitspo. People hate you.


A person born in the Year of the Ox is dependable, diligent, and determined. They make a great teacher’s pet.

Relationships: Your partner is depending on you to propose. You are depending on them to let it go.

Work: You will slog for a promotion until you get it. Expect consistent late nights, instant noodle dinners, and the perpetual feeling that your employer doesn’t care.

Money: Don’t bet on things with a low return on investment, like Liverpool and the approval of your boss.

Health: Build up your stamina. Train yourself by running from your responsibilities.


A person born in the Year of the Tiger is incredibly confident and self-assured. They are natural leaders from the boardroom to bedroom.

Relationships: If you are born in 1974, you should stay away from extramarital affairs. If you are born in other years, you may carry on.

Work: Your subordinates may disagree with your domineering leadership style. Do nothing about this tension. They can always resign.

Money: It’s a good year to take charge of your finances. Request that your dates pay for every meal, continue being nice to the friend whose Netflix account you still shamelessly borrow, and block all pesky insurance agents on Whatsapp.

Health: You should feel confident that you will succeed at anything you set your mind to. Don’t bother climbing a mountain. Climb five.


A person born in the Year of the Rabbit can be overly cautious and conservative, so radical moves might give them a heart attack.

Relationships: You expect everyone to know what you’re thinking, yet get angry when they don’t. This year, try something drastic: tell someone what you want.

Work: You finally decide to stand up for your rights at work. It only took you seven years to ask for a new chair. You might not get it.

Money: Because you’re so afraid to take risks, financial prudence is your forte. Nonetheless, you still won’t be able to afford your own home.

Health: You will fall prey to the same brutal disease that’s been plaguing you since birth. It’s called “Not Speaking Your Mind”.

A Dog and Horse relationship is the stuff of Disney movies, i.e. unrealistic. (Image: The Dogs Network)

A person born in the Year of the Dragon can forget about being unique, seeing as Chinese believe this is an auspicious year to have children.

Relationships: Everyone loves your intelligence, so expect several suitors this year. If you are already in a relationship and experience no such influx of suitors, you might not actually have said intelligence.

Work: You’re not usually open to criticism, but when someone tells you to stop using ‘pls revert’, pls listen.

Money: Even though you love taking risks, resist splashing $20,000 on a wedding (whether yours, a best friend’s or your kid’s). No investment plan will save you from that debt.

Health: This year, your impulsiveness will have dire impact on mental health. It will cause others lots of anxiety and grief.


A person born in the Year of the Snake is elusive and private. They’re very hard to read, and may actually be robots.

Relationships: Someone will profess their love for you. Your cold-bloodedness will render you incapable of displaying any emotion.

Work: You will be tempted to confide in someone about work-related stress, but you don’t know how to open up. So you decide to do the more efficient thing and just resign.

Money: Luck is on your side. You can finally afford to check out your entire basket on Asos to fill the hole in your heart.

Health: Focus on exercises that will maintain your mystery-themed personal branding. Don’t just pick up yoga; move to Ubud for six years without telling anyone.


A person born in the Year of the Horse is friendly and well-liked. They usually thrive in a crowd. An introverted Horse is a myth.

Relationships: This year will reinforce the fact that you are highly independent and have a mind of your own. In other words, this is the year your friends will finally have enough of your opinions.

Work: Being hardworking comes naturally to you and you toil tirelessly over any project. Expect a promotion, pay raise, or a huge bonus. If you work in a startup, this will not apply to you. Ever.

Money: You have 99 problems and money will solve approximately 95 of them. The other four problems will be solved by rekindling all your secondary school friendships. Just kidding, that will turn four into 400.

Health: Take care of your heart. Eat fish high in Omega-3 and don’t fall in love.


A person born in the Year of the Goat is kind and gentle. Because of their genuine hearts, they are great at making regular humans feel like shit.

Relationships: Your partner will break up with you and say, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Don’t believe them. It is you.  

Work: All the bootlicking finally pays off, so you may win the Employee of the Year award. Everyone will cheer for you, but don’t be fooled, they know the award just means more work. They might also have nominated you for it.

Money: It’s crucial to find an investment advisor you can trust. But this will be easy because you are naturally gullible.

Health: Meh.

The only Dog and Pig relationship anyone should pursue. (Image: She Knows)

A person born in the Year of the Monkey can be very playful and naughty. They often have fun at others’ expense.

Relationships: You are fully aware of your magnetic allure, and have no qualms about using it to get who and what you want. People will be upset. You will be blissfully ignorant of it.

Work: Your employer will fall for your flirting and promote you. You will also get a 20% salary increase, mysterious hotel room keys being left on your table, and unsympathetic HR.

Money: Play with the stock market. Invest in shares. Buy bitcoin. Do all of this with other people’s money.

Health: You will be prone to headaches, because you can’t comprehend why the world is full of idiots. Actually, just idiot men.  


A person born in the Year of the Rooster is talkative and outspoken. They never shut up, especially at 6 AM.

Relationships: You will fulfil your potential by seeking out people who enjoy verbal abuse. For a good partnership, look for those born in the Year of the Rabbit or Goat.

Work: If you’re in sales, be prepared to close more deals. People will eventually relent out of exasperation.

Money: You will be able to take bigger financial risks this year. Buy a flat in a Workers’ Party ward or add an extra fish fillet to your cai fan.

Health: Your vocal chords may cause you problems, but no one will be surprised by this.


A person born in the Year of the Dog is known to be fiercely loyal. As a result, they can also be excessively stubborn, like a cockroach that refuses to die.

Relationships: Your loyal streak will show itself, even when you have to run into a burning building to save your master. You believe loyalty will be rewarded. This year, you will finally understand that this is not true, but you won’t be able to help yourself anyway.

Work: You will work like a dog—just like you have for the past 23 (or 35) years of your life.

Money: You may get a pay raise for all the work you do, if your employer stops taking your loyalty for granted. 

Health: After several nervous breakdowns, you will decide to remain in your dead-end job. What is the human equivalent of wagging one’s tail? Yeah, you will still be doing that.  


A person born in the Year of the Pig is calm in the face of trouble, even when their whole world is falling apart. No wonder people think pigs are stupid.

Relationships: Your marriage may disintegrate, but you must not forget to post another Boomerang of your husband feeding your child pancakes. It is “adorkable”.

Work: Expect your employer to give you more work because they think you can handle it. Expect them to be shell-shocked when you say you cannot.

Money: You are a born saver, but not very smart. Expect to get swindled by someone born in the Year of the Rat, a stranger at the bus stop, or your own mother.

Health: You will continue sleeping a lot to avoid reality. You will also appear to be in the pink of health.

This article is clearly satire. We are not responsible for any relationships ending, careers tanking, bankruptcies filed, or jail time served. Nonetheless, have something to say? Write to us at

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