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Disneyland With The ______ Penalty

Disneyland With The ______ Penalty

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NYT Editorial Guidelines For Responsible Reporting in South-East Asia

1. In Singapore, a city-state famously described by William Gibson as Disneyland With The ________.

      1. A) Death Penalty
      2. B) ERP
      3. C) Low Fertility
      4. D) Pedophiles Removed

 

2. Under the city’s restrictive laws, chewing gum is _________.

  1. A) Banned
  2. B) Available only by prescription
  3. C) Eaten as an appetizer
  4. D) Used as a morning-after contraceptive

 

3. Its strategic location on the Straits Of Malacca, an important waterway where more than _____% of the world’s trade passes through.

  1. A) 40%
  2. B) 90%
  3. C) 110%
  4. D) Zero sugar, Less Ice, 

 

4. As a _________ ________ surrounded by _______ ________, the country has always …

  1. A) Chinese-majority city-state, larger Muslim neighbours
  2. B) Neoliberal paradise, resource-rich investment opportunities
  3. C) Meek virgin, Threats to her maidenly virtue
  4. D) A tiny piece of rendang, way too much rice

 

5. However, there are growing concerns that Singapore’s _________ mode of governance has resulted in a citizenry which lags behind its South-east Asian neighbours when it comes to __________.

  1. A) Technocratic / creativity
  2. B) Paternalistic  / sperm count
  3. C) Anal / Hawker Culture
  4. D) Incognito / entertainment value

 

6. __________ is still frequently used as a punishment for vandals and convicted sex offenders.

  1.  A) Caning
  2.  B) Edging
  3.  C) National Service
  4.  D) The NYT Crossword Puzzle

 

7. Since the 1990s, the PAP has relied on _________ to silence its more vocal critics

  1. A) Defamation lawsuits
  2. B) The PAP IB 
  3. C) Tickling
  4. D) Shanmugam
  5. E) All Of The Above

 

8. As my taxi pulled away from Changi’s verdant, air-conditioned spaces, I looked out the car window and saw _________

  1. A) A city with squeaky-clean streets, free of the dirt or graffiti which you would find in most western cities
  2. B) A vision of myself being promoted to the NYT editorial board for my fearless rehashing of age-old cliches
  3. C) An LKY-shaped cloud smiling down from the heavens because this is magazine writing and no one can stop me!
  4. D) My middle-class privilege staring back at me

 

Cheatsheet For Singaporean Patriots Defending Our Homeland Against Libel And Slander

By  _________

  1. A) NMP Calvin Cheng
  2. B) Ambassador-at-large Bilahari Kausikan
  3. C) Some MFA scholar with 3 years left on his bond
  4. D) Some content writer who could not meet his deadline this blessed weekend

 

1. … and I take offence at the __________ tone of your article ‘Disneyland With The Pedophiles Removed’

  1. A) Patronising
  2. B) Sodomizing
  3. C) Titillating
  4. D) Kpkb

 

2. Western journalists like to talk about freedom-of-speech, but Singaporeans enjoy real freedom; The freedom to __________

  1. A) To walk the streets at night safe and unmolested 
  2. B) To order a Double McSpicy meal upsize without fear of judgment
  3. C)To enjoy all the anal sex we desire while the Ministry Of Law looks the other way, fanning itself and pretending not to be aroused
  4. D) To accuse each other of racism on the internet

 

4. We may be far from perfect, but what about your own country? If you could rid yourself of liberal western arrogance and learn a few lessons from Singapore , perhaps it would not be plagued by problems like ________ / __________/ __________.

  1. A) Drugs / Gun Crime / Homelessness
  2. B) Leftists / Mexicans / Feminazis
  3. C) Democracy / Kirsten Han / The Imperial system

 

5. Ultimately, what this article articulates is a lack of respect and understanding for ____________.

  1. A) Our Asian Values
  2. B) Our pseudo-Confucian hangover
  3. C) Singapore’s unique position as a multicultural society with few natural resources and many hostile neighbours on our doorstep
  4. D) My fragile ego
  5. E) The restless ghost of Kishore Mahbubani

 

6. In the end, if you hate Singapore so much, why don’t you _____________.

  1. A) Go back to your own country
  2. B) Move to Perth
  3. C) Write for the South China Morning Post
  4. D) Turn away as a single tear rolls sadly down my cheek  because, deep down, I really crave the western media’s love and approval. I mean, why else would I spend the time to compose such elaborate replies to barely-read articles? Stop hurting me I love you.

To appeal the results of your exam, write to us at community@ricemedia.co.

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