Introducing Rice Premium, Only $59.99/Month
Image credit: Unsplash
Do you think it’s easy for Sumiko Tan to eat lunch at a hawker stall?

Or to inspire millennials with a paywall?

Don’t kid yourself. You, an ordinary plebeian, have no idea of the blood, sweat and tears involved in REAL journalism.

That’s why I fully support Straits Times Premium. It’s about time we showed our appreciation to ST: our government’s long-suffering Public Relations agency.

However, ST cannot defend the cause of fearless, independent journalism propaganda alone.

That’s why Rice Media is proud to announce RICE PREMIUM – a chance for you to support  quality journalism.

From this day forth, exclusive access to our best articles starts at $59.99/month. This might seem a little steep given that the New York Times only costs $16/month, but it’s really quite a bargain considering what we offer:

Hard-working people

Nobody in this office has slept since November 2016. Writers who close both eyes at the same time are caned and forced to subsist on nothing but Cai Png for a month.

Industry Experience

Our staff have more than 20 years of experience in journalism. If you put everyone’s c.v. together and round up the sum total. To the nearest 20.


Just like the New York Times and The Guardian, Rice is an independent media company. Unlike the aforementioned companies, we have no idea what we’re doing.

That’s just level 1. In addition to premium-only content, we are also launching RICE Platinum – an exclusive club for donors and patrons who hate money with a passion.

At the low cost of $599.99/month, you too can become a Platinum member and receive the following:

Personalised Apologies

Every time you feel aggrieved by something I’ve written, you can use the Platinum hotline to complain. I will show up at your door with a bouquet of roses, cook a dinner of duck confit and give you a sensual 30-minute foot massage.

Moderated environment

Whenever a platinum member posts a comment, only likes, loves and hahas are allowed. Premium members who disagree with platinum members will have their comments deleted and they must make an apology in parliament by the next day.

RICE-branded Objet d’Arts

Platinum members will receive artisanal, limited-edition RICE-branded products. We are not talking ballpoint pens or umbrellas here. For 2018, every member will get an inflatable Julian Wong Sex Doll made by Jaspersen’s of Denmark, pre-lubricated and 100% BPA-free.

Batteries not included.

Members-only Horoscope

A good publication reports the facts; a great publication reports the future. Uniquely attuned as we are to the movements of Celestial bodies, platinum members can receive hourly horoscopes telling them how to act, where to go and who to fuck.

Whether you’re Aries or Aquarius, Saturn reminds you to renew your subscription and save 20%

Invitation-only events

One night with the writer’s wife. No questions asked.

Have something to say about this story? Write to us at

Loading next article...