Top image: Anna Grace Wang / RICE file photo
1 – BTO Investment Farming
Amateurs BTO for a home. Professionals BTO so they can climb the investment ladder from 4-room to EC to Freehold to Landed to Salvation.
2 – Selling $5 Caramel Coffee Macchiatos From Home to Justify Your Breville
Reasonably-priced food requires reasonably-priced rents, but the only reasonable landlord in Singapore is one in your mirror.
3 – Hanging out at the house of your married friend
The best nightlife in Singapore is found in Tengah, at the newly renovated house of your newly-married friends, who just came back from abroad with snacks, and a trip to the duty-free.
4 – McDonald’s Sauce Packet Hoarding
Singapore’s true national reserve is the ever-growing pile of fast food sauce packets from Macs/KFC/Burger King, saved for a rainy day that will never come.
5 – Spending your SkillsFuture Credits on Random Bullshit
Millions of dollars invested in Singaporeans’ skills, and we still can’t make a decent banana bread or floral arrangement to save our lives. Smh.
6 – Aura-farming With The OCS Singlet
The red-and-blue uniform of the OCS Gigachads will add 50kg to your bench press and reduce your IPPT timing by six whole minutes. Also unlocks 50 extra swipes on Hinge, Bumble and Grindr.
7 – (Not) Showering In The Morning
Sleeping for 12 hours in your disgusting bed and not bothering to rinse off is the definition of peak grossness.
8 – Boys’ School Fuckbois
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of some chlamydia medication.
9 – East Side Superiority Complex
Scientific studies show that people living on the East Side are more intelligent, more attractive and better endowed than inhabitants from other parts of the island.
10 – Using the World’s Strongest Passport to Visit Seoul (Again)
Singapore has the world’s strongest passport and the world’s most timid passport-holders who visit one of six destinations (Japan, Korea, China, Thailand, Vietnam, Bali) every year.
11 – “I Anything One”
The Ritual of the CBD lunchtime begins with a group of six colleagues saying ‘I anything’ to each other at least six times until everyone decides to just go to Amoy as usual.
12 – Rebranding OEM China Products as Locally-owned Champions
Behind every successful local consumer brand is an even more successful Chinese manufacturer churning out the exact same thing without a Canva-designed logo.
13 – Disabled Toilet Hookups
For those too poor to afford Hotel 81 or too horny to think straight, Singapore’s world-class toilet facilities offer a comfortable small space for Minister-approved baby-making sessions.
14 – Visiting Ikea For Meatballs, Soft Serve and Vibes
Rumour has it that Singapore’s favourite canteen-style hangout has a secret furniture shop where you can purchase well-designed bookshelves and plushies.
15 – Third Year Internship-Maxxing
Five Internships, 20 high-profile projects and 23,093 LinkedIn points accumulated, and that’s just for one semester. If only actual CEOs worked half as hard as the average Singaporean student.
16 – Praying in the Church Of The Holy Bell Curve
Like a battle royale, but fought with GPAs, late-night McDonald’s and mental health.
17 – Mugging at Starbucks With One Cup of Matcha Frappuccino Slowly Dripping Condensation Onto the Table So You Wrap One Napkin Around It Like a Diaper
Fun fact: There are more students studying in Starbucks than all of the JCs, Polys and Unis combined.
18 – Muting Your Overburdened Work/NS/Family Groupchats
It starts as a well-meaning exercise in communication and ends as 3,293,990 unread messages and cringe stickers.
19 – Refusing to Buy HDBs More Than a 3-Minute Walk From the Train Station
The unacknowledged cause of Singapore’s perpetual housing woes is our collective refusal to walk more than 2 minutes to the public transport because the weather is so freaking hot.
20 – “Let me check the price on GOJEK”
Too tired to go home by train and bus, but never too tired to check Grab, Gojek, Ryde and TADA before every journey for those sweet $3 savings.
21 – Getting Redpilled by Mala Industrial Complex
By 2027, Scoot will operate 17 flights a day to Shanghai, all SAF combat rations will be mala-flavoured and sponsored by Hai Di Lao.
22 – Grumbling About GST/CDC Vouchers but Still Using Them
The most sophisticated political tool is a $300 cheque that says: “Shut up and go do some shopping”.
23 – The Tactical ‘Stomach Flu’
If the holidays don’t align, create your own long weekend by scheduling a telehealth checkup and manifesting a ‘stomach flu’ on Thursday evening.
24 – Awkward Lift Interactions With Your Neighbours
A barely audible grunt followed by an upward tilt of the head in acknowledgement before you both return to the safety of your doomscroll.
25 – Cai Fan Auntie Validation Farming
Who needs OnlyFans when you have Cai Fan aunties who will call you handsome and edge you for the price of a 2 meat 1 Veg.
26 – JB Grocery Hauls
A cost-of-living so high that you leave the country to buy toilet paper and bread.
27 – Batam Massage Trips
A cost-of-living so high that happy endings have been offshored.
28 – Lowballing Culture
“You miss all the shots you don’t take” – the guy who offered you $25 for a $120 pair of sneakers on Carousell.
29 – Taobao-inspired Renovation Hauls
IKEA is for vibes. The real furnishings happen on Taobao, where you can get your whole house delivered for half the price of an IKEA meatball.
30 – Japandi-inspired HDB interiors
To be an interior designer in Singapore, the most important skill you need is CTRL + C, CTRL + V, attach, and send.
31 – Planning the Entire Year Around Long Weekends
Singapore’s racial harmony is always fragile, but it’s kept alive by the fortuitous long weekends and cheap flights to elsewhere.
32 – The Post-30 Midlife Hyrox Crisis
The most boring way to exorcise your midlife crisis involves paying $200 to do some branded burpees so you can share it on Instagram Stories, just like every other millennial between the ages of 30 and 35.
33 – Rock Climbing Is My Entire Personality
The millennial obsession du jour offers cardio, conditioning and camaraderie in an air-conditioned environment, next to a Guzman y Gomez outlet where you can have a plausibly ‘healthy’ dinner.
34 – Inter-generational Collectible Addiction
The history of contemporary Singapore is really a history of collectible toys—from the Gen Xers fighting for Sanrio, to Millennials buying blind boxes, to Gen Z’s Labubus.
35 – Post-drinks Tomato Broth Hotpot Binge
Nothing cures a hangover like tomato broth, diabolical birthday songs and waking up with a $300 receipt because you got carried away.
36 – REFUSING TO SPEND OUR ANNUAL LEAVE OR VACATION TIME IN A HOT COUNTRY BECAUSE IT’S ALREADY SO HOT BACK HOME WHAT FOR YOU GO AND HOLIDAY
“If I want to die of heat and humidity while spending too much money, I would just go to Dempsey” – Singaporeans, while planning their holiday.
37 – F.I.R.E.
Early retirement sounds like a great idea until you realise you have no personality beyond making and spending money.
38 – The Neverending Epidemic of Chilli Crab/Rendang/Chicken Rice/Satay/Nasi Lemak Fusion Dishes
Cultural appropriation might be ‘woke’, but at least it protects us from poorly-executed ‘rendang’ burgers, infernally acidic Chilli Crab pasta, and other inedible forms of ‘Limited Edition’ Shithousery.
39 – Graduating from Bacardi Breezer to Strong Zero
The spiritual successor of the Bacardi Breezer offers easy inebriation as you graduate from underage drinker at Downtown East to underpaid office worker at Shenton Way.
40 – Pirated football streams
Whether you support Arsenal, Liverpool or Meme United, you do your supporting on Totalsportek.com Platinum Stream after playing whack-a-mole with 600 pop-up ads.
41 – Pirated TV boxsets
The world’s best streaming service comes in a physical box and requires just a one-time payment for content.
42 – Waiting in the Shade Until It’s a Green Light To Cross the Road
If there’s no shaded area nearby, the next best option is to go full delulu and wait in the shade of the traffic light itself.
43 – Fish Soup OLs Queuing for Chagee
Singapore’s most popular weight loss regime is a ‘healthy’ fish soup followed by a 100-calorie hike to the nearest Chagee for some 0% sugar boba tea.
44 – “What School Did You Go To”
You didn’t learn anything useful from school, but the experience continues to define your identity as a 30+ year old.
45 – “What Unit Are You From”
You hated every moment of those two years, but it’s the easiest conversation-starter for the perpetually awkward.
46 – Using Kino As Inspiration for Your Online Book Shopping
There is no greater treason than performative artsy types betraying Kinokuniya after checking the price on bookdepository/wordery, before they’ve even left the shop.
47 – Wearing Uniqlo Airism Till Your Funeral
Uniqlo’s share price is the world’s single greatest argument against any form of climate change denialism.
48 – Little Farms vs Don Don Donki
Singapore’s upper middle class is divided 50/50 between expats feeding exclusively on Little Farms/CS Fresh and local Don Don Donki stans living out their Tokyo wet dreams.
49 – NSFs Simping for Siambus
Ladies who break up with their boyfriends upon NS enlistment only have themselves to blame when floral arrangements later appear on their husband’s credit card statement.
50 – Arguing with Sus Reno Companies
Four months, $100,000, 7 missed deadlines, and 908,123 WhatsApp messages later, and your house finally looks like the showflat.
51 – Food Delivery Workers Doing Open-Air DJ Sets
Singapore’s nightlife is dead because we have all the vibes we need from the DJ Foodpanda and Grab Againagainagainagain blasting their playlists at max volume.
52 – Illegal TOTO/4D
Cigarettes taste better when you’re standing outside the yellow box.
53 – Robbing Your Siblings In CNY Blackjack Sessions
CNY is all about family, togetherness, and teaching your cousins a lesson by robbing them of their hard-earned hongpao money at the blackjack tables.
54 – Celebrating Diversity Through Cringe CMIO Murals
A Chinese uncle making char kway teow, an Indian man pulling teh tarik, a makcik serving Nasi Padang and an Other person… cashing in with the drinks stall?
55 – Avoiding the Chinese Restaurant Wet Tissue Scam
The first rule of dining out at a Chinese restaurant is to take those wet tissue packets to the payment counter, so you don’t get charged $1.50 for allegedly wiping your mouth.
56 – Tapao-ing Kopi from Old Tea Hut (if you work at Raffles Place)
It is 3 PM. There’s another Teams meeting in 15 minutes. It’s an all-hands with your paggro toxic boss. You get your kopi C kosong in 2 minutes flat. You light up a cigarette. Life is good again.
57 – Working in Bunk During Reservist
There’s nothing more hilarious than a group of reservist men doing client meetings and team check-ins, whilst dressed in admin tees and Airism boxers.
58 – The Post-Vacation Snack Tax
Appease your angsty colleagues and boost your peer review scores by bringing them the mandatory Tokyo Banana/Bangkok Cookie/HBAF Honey Butter Almond/dried mango from wherever your holiday took place.
59 – Defending Singapore in the Comments Section
No matter how much you hate the heat, the cost of living, or the NSL crowds, you stand ready to defend Singapore from the professional hater who whines that we are boring, ugly or authoritarian.
60 – Pretending to Hate Singapore but You Wouldn’t Trade It for Anything Else
Is there anything more Singaporean than making a spreadsheet-sized complaint about Singapore, but feeling secretly happy the moment your plane lands in Changi? After all, what is a complaint but a hope that things at home can and will be better?
